I've Been Ill

I've been sick the last 7 days. It was one thing after another. Firstly, I came down with food-poisoning, which basically meant I camped out in the restroom and kept throwing up till I was turned inside out. And, it has to be said, short hair comes in handy. When you have long, lovely hair (which I did for twenty years. Lol modesty.) , barfing becomes a two person activity; there is one person to hold your hair, and then, there is you, throwing up and befouling the other person's ears with your delightful language. And,you must know this, it is the liver. I assure you. People, for centuries, have blamed the stomach and the stomach lining and the intestines. But I'm convinced they were all lies concocted to throw us off. It is the liver, my friend. The liver which says, "Aha! Eff you." , and you are clutching the pot like a piece of life saving flotsam junk for the next four days. I know this, cause I always call my doctor after 36 hours of vomiting, and I go, "Doc, I don't know what I'm throwing up I haven't had so much as a sip of water in the last 2 days". And the doctor says, "It's the bile child, the bile. Here, take this pill and you should stop spitting your organs out in about 4 hours". The bile ! The liver makes the bile. It is the culprit. And, you know all those times you've had too much to drink, or have a bad hangover, who's punishing you ? The liver. The poor stomach doesn't know poison from pineapple. You people need to stop blaming the poor stomach.
Moving on, it started with the food poisoning , the telephone consultation wasn't good enough, so I went to see the doctor,and we repeated the telephone conversation face-to-face. Now, I'm not being stupid anymore.See, I saw the doctor,I went to the doctor,I got a consult.
I thanked him and walked out of his clinic. This little outing had cheered me up a bit and I was walking down the pavement looking for my beedi-fied driver, when I tripped over a pebble, I kid you not, a pebble and fell flat on my face. Now, my tummy hurt and my ankle is twisted. I make it home, and tuck myself into bed, singing " Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you tomorrow" . I wake up the next morning, all psyched to be well and strong. And seven minutes into the day and I plonk myself down in a dark corner of the house with an excruciating headache - a migraine! So, now I'm throwing up again, my tummy hurts, my ankle is twisted and my head is exploding all over the place, and I have a strong feeling my ears are bleeding from the pain. Why? Why me?!

Today , I'm feeling human again for the first time in a week. And, writing makes sense. I have decided that this is my job. When I die of food poisoning, a broken skull or a brain tumour , I'd like my grand nieces and nephews to have all this nonsense written down to remember me by.

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